Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
