You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
