It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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