the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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