Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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