she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
