I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
