sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
