How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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