Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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