Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
