mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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