Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
never play flip cup with pint glasses
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
