someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He shit in the fireplace
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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