You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
