I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
