im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Randomize
