a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
