Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
