come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
