It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
