i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
