he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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