There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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