she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
