Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
