living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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