God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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