I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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