happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
