remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
