Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
