if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
