Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
