wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
