A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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