I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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