omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Princesses don't give blow jobs
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
