is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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