sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
