the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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