I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
