Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
