Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
God gave him joint rollers for hands
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Drunk is a universal language darling
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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