u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
