Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
