oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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