I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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