Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize