Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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