Porn is love you can see.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
