Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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