he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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