The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize