Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
