I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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