A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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