This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
