my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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